What is Sacred Sexuality? How can we experience it? What role does it play in our spiritual practice? Cyntha Gonzalez, a transpersonal psychology counsellor based in Dubai, reveals to us all that we need to know about Sacred Sexuality.
Gracy (name changed) was sexually abused by a family friend when she was a nine year old and it traumatized her deeply. On top of that, she had a very unstable mother and was raised by her grandmother, uncle and aunt. She was dealing with emotional abandonment and sexual violation all her childhood. When she grew up, she met this amazing man who loved her deeply. She knew they were destined to be together and they got married. But she began to be very cagey about sex. She was sexual but it always had to be on her terms. He could never initiate. She also hadn’t told him that she had been sexually abused.
The couple came to me because an emotional barrier had come up between them. When they came for the first session, I maintained her confidentiality but I did mention that the components of sacred sexuality are transparency and radical honesty. Non-transparency diminishes the life force energy. Immediately after this session, she disclosed to her husband that she had been sexually abused. He was so supportive and also very relieved. He told her, “Oh my goodness, now I understand why you reacted that way.” This immediately opened up new dimensions in intimacy for them.
The case described above is sacred sexuality in simple terms.
One of its facets is love making that offers a spiritual connection to each other and to our divine Creator with the help of mastery of the breath, intention and mindful touch.
Another aspect is ego - the emotional component. It includes moments where we are tested in terms of transparency. For example, when we refrain from expressing what we like and what we don’t, in the bedroom and outside, for the fear of being judged, we end up blocking the life force energy. And when we are unable to trust in something bigger than ourselves at the expense of our ego, this stops us from having emotional maturity.
How is sacred sex different from casual sex?
Casual sex is more ‘genital’ focused but the minute we enter into sacred sexuality, we can have it even if we have just met somebody. It’s harder but it can exist. It’s a place where it is about being very present, very mindful.
This could begin in the genitals and move upwards using the entire span of chakras, particularly the upper chakras turning lovemaking into a spiritual communion. However, we have sexual moods and some emotional needs and casual sex is nothing more than fulfilling each other’s needs and having a good heart-to-heart connection. However, it’s not a sacred dance, it’s not a prayer.
Does having casual sex take away the sacredness of it?
Some people are highly sexed individuals and others are not. So even a much-sexed individual will still be prone to using sex as an addiction and an escape. The question is, “Is it truly a prayer or an escape from boredom, difficult emotions, low self esteem, frustration or anything else?” A lot of people approach sex with a feeling of insecurity and neediness, as a reassurance that they are lovable, attractive or worthy. Can this be sacred? It can work as long as they are vigilant about not using sex as an escape.
Gracy and her husband came back for a second session and it started with the breathing exercise. They were facing each other and learning to breathe in a synchronized manner but she was getting very nervous. Her breathing was way too fast. So at one point I got up to pause the exercise. I placed one hand under her chest and the other on her back and asked her to breathe into my hands but that was also very difficult for her. She immediately started to cry saying she was afraid of full surrender fearing that her husband would leave her. I explained to her that being in the present moment meant embracing All That Is.
And that’s the beauty of why transparency is so important in the relationship.
After she expressed her fears to her husband, he assured her that he was right there and not planning on leaving her. I also explained to her that she must not make him hostage and that if tomorrow his truth is to not stay with her, she should be spiritually strong enough to let him go. This is a great example of why emotional issues must be shared openly in order to have a sacred relationship with your partner.
Can souls which are deeply damaged due to past experiences also experience sacred sex?
Very much so and the beauty of it is that the partner who hasn’t gone through that same abuse will end up being an agent and will be an ally for their healing. When one or both were severely sexually abused in their childhood, the imprints of what happened to them could turn into dark fantasies but they would be able to share it with each other. They both would understand each other’s fears and inhibitions and would have a great relationship because of that.
Does this have to be only with a committed partner?
No, but I feel that to have sacred sex, there must be an ability to surrender. For most people, in order to surrender, there must an emotional safety. It’s hard to go deep all the way with another if there isn’t love and real safety. So yes it is possible to do it without a committed relationship but it would be challenging.
Does it matter what time you do it?
Good sacred sex honours foreplay and that is a 24-hour affair. Sacred sex is not a quickie. The couple needs to make time for it. They should be well rested with no interruptions by children or phone calls, and so on. The whole point of having sacred sex is to really connect to the subtle life force energy.
What is the role of orgasm in spirituality and the other way round?
Orgasm is a process of deep ‘letting go’ and ‘surrender’ and that is accomplished more through sacred sexuality than through the genitals. Orgasms that are genitally-focussed are basically like a sneeze; they are a big release on the physical level.
But orgasms within the sacred sexuality context are very different and they result in the circulation of life force energy through the entire body. All the chakras get opened up with this orgasm and it even goes beyond the crown chakra. It is a surrender to the emotions that come up as well as to the partner. Sacred sexuality and good orgasm is a quality of really seeing the face of God in the Other. It is a spiritual opening.
Can women who experience clitoral orgasm more often than vaginal orgasm also attain sacred sexuality?
Yes, definitely. There are 3 kinds of physical orgasms: Clitoral, G-spot and Cervical. The fourth one is Energetic orgasm which exists for men as well.
The clitoris is composed of thousands of nerve endings. It’s a subtle but also a very powerful pleasure organ. Clitoral orgasms demand a certain level of mental fantasy. They are more superficial.
A g-spot orgasm is different. It’s a very sensitive area and when it is rubbed in the right way, the woman is able to experience pleasure, not only physically but also emotionally.
Cervical orgasm is an entirely advanced level of having an orgasm. The cervix is extremely sensitive and holds enormous amounts of emotional content such as past traumas and unsaid truths. When lovemaking happens for about 45 minutes or more, the couple starts to surrender to each other. When the woman feels he is with her 100%, she feels loved and starts to melt. The more she feels safe, the more easily she surrenders and that’s when the cervical orgasm happens. Cervical orgasm is not necessarily so much about the physical pleasure as it is about the emotional and spiritual pleasure. Maybe that could explain why a lot of women don’t really experience cervical orgasm as much as they do the others. When a woman experiences cervical orgasm, she might start accessing really ugly memories. At that point, her partner needs to be right there with her, assuring her that he loves her.
Energetic orgasm is the one that involves no touch. It could be attained just through the way their partner looks at them in the eye. Both men and women can experience it with or without any kind of penetration or stimulation. If the couple opts for stimulation, the energy keeps building up. When he is at the edge of orgasm, if he clenches his penis muscles and pushes the semen back and then contracts really hard, he would be able to re-route that energy intentionally upwards, towards the crown chakra. That is what is called the Master of Ejaculation. This is an ejaculation-free orgasm. It can also be achieved with no stimulation to the penis and only with the help of breathing. Similarly for women, she can do the very same thing. The way her partner looks deep into her eyes and fixes his gaze, will cause her energies to shoot up and bring on the energetic orgasm.
Stay tuned for Part 2. More insights about a sacred sex exercise and tips to maintain sacred sexuality in your life.