Imagine you are sliding down a very dark tunnel, perhaps going to the moon, your nerve endings alive to every sensation, seeing and then unseeing multi-coloured visions. Incidents, people, memories assail your eyes in a psychedelic collage. And the music! Sometimes heavenly and sometimes barely audible. And while this is happening you do not remember that you are inside a room with three other people and throwing up again and again.
Before this, Anand Desai felt that life had become stagnant. Seeking a tool for spiritual self-betterment came naturally to him. And so when a visiting Shamanic healer presented the opportunity to experience Ayahuasca (Aa-yaa-hoos-kaa), Anand grabbed it eagerly.
This was not the first time he had partaken of the green liquid brewed from the leaves of certain shrubs. But this time, Anand decided to ‘let go’. It was like going on an adventure. He was ready to polish his own mirror – take a clearer look at himself and his life. The clearer the mirror the sharper the image. He said yes to becoming vulnerable and it paid him rich dividends.
It all began with the music. As Anand admits, “the ‘out-of-this-world’ meditation melody added the extra punch that might not have been possible otherwise.”
Sorry, in this ceremony you cannot dictate the route of the journey within. The soul will take you wherever it needs to take you. It will point out to all those dots that need to be connected in your life.
And it is not all hunky-dory! All the pain, the anger, the grief comes back to you, face to face. You cry, you laugh, you cry again but at the end of the episode you are spent, and more often than not, healed.
Are you ready to meet you?
Anand met himself and here’s what happened, in his own words:
Ayahuasca – It beat me, then I beat it.
I always wanted that this could happen to me. But I don’t want it to happen ever again. I always wanted to do it, but I will never do it again. I was excited to do it, even more excited that it did me and am left with no regret.
It took me deep inside my soul and gave me answers to every question I had. It made me feel lifeless, motionless and without a pulse. At the same time it filled me with emotions of joy and sadness, laughter and cheer, tears and grief, the best of me and the worst of me. Fun and frolic and also fear. It made me float. It made me numb. Comfortably numb.
There was Comfort & Strength
The first touch of comfort started the journey. It took me to a place where there was only I and me. I went deep inside - getting to the bottom of me. And everything I felt I shared with only me. I know that I can’t remember things for too long. And me told me that it’s good that I don’t carry all this luggage for too long. At the same time me told me that I should write down things so that I don’t forget the important ones. If I had a paper and pen I could write down everything I felt there and then, at that very moment. But then me told me that this is only between I & me.
Self – Realization
I had many questions and me tried to answer them. I wanted to play my own music. I discovered my deepest connections and the superficial ones. The ones that I care about and the ones that I don’t. The questions were too many. And I don’t remember any. I was fighting with my soul. I was facing me. And I was scared.
I saw light – white, yellow and light green. I could feel every single note of music and my mood changed with the music. It was as if I was playing music on me and my nerves were like the strings of a guitar. It took me to a high then a low, to an up and then a down. I could hear a sweet voice singing and I wanted it to never stop.
I felt I could do anything at that time. I could have fallen in love or had a fist fight. But I also knew that I meant no harm. I am a clean me. A white me. Not an artificial me. But still… And this gave me a feeling of discomfort. It woke me up. But I felt I was always awake. It made me face the light, the light of day. And I felt great. Rejuvenated. Relaxed. Random. Resistant. I felt that I had a great trip and enjoyed it. And it was over now.
I called for my Life. Went down and enjoyed the rain. Trying to remember what I had experienced. How good or bad it was…. Question mark, question mark, question mark.
And then my Life came to me. And that sight just blew me off. Blast. And the journey began again. I am at peace when the ones I love most are at peace with themselves. I am comforted when only the ones I love the most comfort me. And I would have the best time of my life when the ones I love the most are at ease with me. And it’s not them but their soul which has to be at peace, filled with comfort and love. And if my Life is not at peace with me, my soul is not at peace with me.
I knew exactly why I wanted a black bag and not the white one. At the same time I had no idea of what I was doing or where I was going. I only had this huge comfort of my Life being with me. And I knew that me would be okay. I was chilling then got hyper; I felt happiness and then fear; I felt dry and then I felt drowned in perspiration, I felt very hot and then very cold, I was full of energy and then too tired, I knew I was okay and then I knew I was not, I knew I could drive back home and just then I knew I could not. I could feel the chill and see the spill. I was in panic mode. My Life played with all these swings like a pendulum oscillating at the speed of a 100 km/hr. I knew that my Life will not take any shit that I give it but at the same time I knew that my Life will take all the shit that I could give. And still be my Life with me forever.
In all this fanatic frenzy I found the strength to fight me. I am glad it’s still there. I was holding my own hand. I kept wiping tears which were never there. I only felt them. And in shedding them I was healing. I thought I had the ability to let nothing control me, but this did. And then I felt that I couldn’t get a control over this. But then my Strength did.
Ayahuasca – It is a lovely game and I am glad I played it. It was a very strong opponent. I lost and then won. It’s quits now and I’d like to keep it like that.
It beat me, then I beat it.